If Jesus was a Vietnam Vet and taught CPR

Keith and I attended the most peculiar CPR class tonight. The instructor, a Vietnam Vet, turned EMT, turned Asst. Deputy Sheriff oscillated (yes, I know, it's supposed to be vacillated but I just can't resist) between sharing the joys of saving lives through CPR and the circumstances of actual war and "war on the streets" as a defender of public good that have required him to kill people. Did I fail to leave out that he's also an ordained minister who preaches on occasion..., like during CPR class? Oh my goodness, it was quite a ride.

Captain CPR, who reminded me a lot of former Governor Mike Huckabee (in look and presentation) did have a couple of wonderful truisms:

• "You have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything."
• Some of us (probably many of us) are simply "dumb as a sack of hammers."
• "9-11 is this generations Pearl Harbor."
• "'If' means yes." For example, "I wonder if we should call 911..." "I wonder if I should get the kids out of the pool since it lightening..." When we wonder "If", and it relates to life and/or safety, assume that the answer is YES.
• "When you tell a police officer you've had 2 beers, it's a dead giveaway that had more."

We also learned a little bit about CPR..., firstly that since we only perform CPR on dead folks we shouldn't worry about doing it incorrectly and making things worse. Also, when approaching any emergency situation, we should SLOW down - walk slow, talk slow, and "do" slow - we don't think as well in an emergency situation, and if we're rushing it just makes things worse.

Captain CPR asked us repeatedly if we believe we are up to the occasion of performing CPR. (We heard all kinds of stories about how we might perform CPR on a family member, but how it might also be on some dirty, nasty person we've never seen.) "When you see someone fall out at the shopping mall, are you going to help or are you going to duck your head and walk into Dillard's?" If we're up to it, then we should have a pair of rubber gloves in our back pocket at all times, and ideally a nice mouthpiece we can use to administer CPR (since Captain CPR is pretty convinced that HIV, bird flu, and all manner of other nastiness is transmitted by saliva.)

In any case, when we come upon someone who appears suspiciously dead, we should:

1. Shake/jostle the person and ask them loudly if they're okay. If there's no response....
2. Lay the person on their back, tilt the head back (think of pulling a ponytail) and lift the chin up to open the airway so we can be sure the tongue isn't blocking the airway.
3. Check to make sure the person is breathing. Get down near the person and look to see if their chest is moving (rising/falling). Take as long as you need here to figure it out.
4. Using the middle finger with the pointer finger for stability, look for a pulse on the left side of the throat.
5. If the person isn't breathing (chest isn't rising and no pulse), hold their nose and blow 2 long blows into their mouth. (You should see their chest rise.)
6. Kneel above the body, lace the fingers together and perform 30 chest compressions in the center of the body between the nipples. Put your body weight into it to make it easier - you need to really push.
7. Repeat steps 5 & 6 until the paramedics arrive.

The advice for all ages is a ratio of 30 compressions to 2 breaths. However, we were told that the bigger/heavier the person, the more difficult the compressions are going to be, so it's really more important that we have a rhythm we can sustain until help comes. For many people, this might mean having 5 compressions for every 1 breath (since the breath allows us a bit of rest/recovery time).

At the end of the class, we all got to practice a bit on a dummy. We were also encouraged to "go home" and practice finding our pulse, and those of our loved ones, at least 100 times so we'll know how to do it in an emergency. Good advice. Poor Keith - you know I'm going to be searching for his pulse every night before we fall asleep to make sure I know how to find it.